Love Letter: For Her

I know you will never see this, and I know I can never tell you this even exists. This letter will hardly cross the eyes of anyone of concern, nor will these words ever reach your eyes. However, I write them for you. I see you in everything now. Every action. Every thought. Everything. You are always there. I know I will always have you now, even if we stop talking every day and night. I know what we have is difficult to describe for me, even if it is not for you. I know I am just a good friend to you. A Maknae. Your little China. Maybe I remind you of a sister you never had. But to me, you are the love I could never give myself. You taught me to see the simple joys in things again. You taught me, with difficulty, to love myself. To treat myself as a best friend. I am still learning from you, and I believe I always will be. You are wise and childish and loving and caring and kind and funny and human and something different all together. You, my sweet Presh, will always be the love that was meant to be and the love that never could be. You will forever be my memory and my best friend. You will always be there, and I hope that you know it is the same for me. I will always rush to your aid. Even though you live across the globe from me, I will always be there. I love you, my sweet Presh. And I always will. 

Yours Truly, 

Little China

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Clearly, this was difficult for me to write here. Or maybe not so clearly. I am still trying to debate myself out of this. I am not gay or anything. But this is how I feel. I am shaking for fear that someone might see this and confront me somehow. I am afraid that someone will get the wrong impression of me or of what I believe. I would hate that. And as any blogger, I am terrified that someone important to me will see this, including my sweet Presh. I don't know why I am so afraid because there must be no way that she would find this page. It's too small. Too insignificant. But she did find another thing of mine like this. It's how we met. But maybe I'll get lucky and she'll never find it. Or maybe I'm being too pessimistic about this. Maybe she'll find it and it'll be a good thing. But I can't see how. We are both like rulers in our interests and in any case, it will probably only cause pain. We live on complete opposite sides of the globe and even then, it would probably make things awkward. I don't want that. I could probably talk to her forever and talk about her the rest of the time. But I don't want to do that because I would freak people out and I would lose friends, even with the few I have, and I just don't need that at this point. But anyway, this little extra part of the entry is probably depressing the letter and it's just postponing the actual posting part of this process. So let me find a quote and get on this... 

QUOTE:

"SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE APART FROM PEOPLE YOU LOVE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU LOVE THEM ANY LESS. SOMETIMES, IT EVEN MAKES YOU LOVE THEM MORE."

Until next time, 

A.K.