Crippling: Only Takes One

One thought. My heart speeds up. I hug my teddy bear and a smile crosses my face. I smell the top of the bear's head. Memories and scenarios rush to my mind. The memories do not belong to you but the scenarios do. I love them, and I cannot erase them from my mind. My heart races at even the slightest thought of you. How is it that a friendship could turn into such a beautiful, passionate, and soft love? How is it that I would do anything to see you, hear you, touch you? How is it that I long to see your smile and your beautiful face more than anything? How is it that I long to hear you talk, hear you laugh, hear you walk down the hall or across the room? How is it that I long to hug you and feel the vibrations of your body as you talk and laugh? How is it that I went from the depressed, lonely, and slightly suicidal/self-harm child to the depressed, loving, and happier self-harm child because of you? How did you raise me so far from the ground? Why have you chosen me to heal? How did you succeed so fully and perfectly? You introduced me to so much and gave me so much. It's hard to rise up to that and help you as much in return. I know you don't realize just how much you have helped me and you never will but it's okay. I will strive to help you as much as you have me. I think of words to speak as my heart races with the thoughts of you. Teddy bear safe in my arms where you should be. 

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School starts up again in about two days for me and I feel sick from stress and sadness and depression and being overwhelmed. I'm not ready to go back. I just healed myself (with the obvious help of Presh and another friend we will name Hex and another friend I call Princess). Now that I mention it, I will explain a little about these latest friends. More about Hex will come later in another blog because there is so so much I need to talk about when coming to him. But Princess I can basically sum up in this little area. 

So Hex. He is... different. A good different. He gave me a new perspective on things before he.. um.. Nevermind. That will come with the next blog I give. It will be mainly about him. Seeing as I am tearing myself up on the inside over it. But anyway. He gave me a new perspective on some things and helped my stress go away. He talked to me all the time and told me things and I trusted him. I could tell him things and I even sent him one of my most treasured documents because I thought it would help him understand what it is that I do. I know it was probably foolish, but now he has something of mine. I know that eventually I will stop feeling pain over Hex, but for now, I have to shield myself from anything of his or I begin uncontrollably crying. It is taking everything in me now to not cry onto my keyboard. 

Anyway... Princess. I met her the same place I met Presh. She is an angel and as sweet to me as Presh. She has the same kind of insecurities and joys as I do. We both know Presh and both have similar connections to her. In a way. But anyway. I met Princess a little less than a month ago, same as Hex. But I haven't talked to Princess as much. We help each other out sometimes and comfort each other online. It's really nice to know that she's there. Gives me some sense of security, to a certain point. 

Presh, Princess, and Hex have made my summer better. One other person that I will say I know irl that made my summer better: Korea. Her name isn't actually Korea, but to me, it is. I've called her Korea for so long that it's basically her actual name to me. Korea has been there for me irl and online for over a year now and it means a lot to me. She has helped me a lot and for that, I must say I owe her my life. So anyway. On to the quote. 

QUOTE:

"A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO CAN SEE THE TRUTH AND PAIN IN YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARE FOOLING EVERYONE ELSE."

Until next time, 

A.K. 

Hurt: My Heart Aches

Why do hearts ache when we feel emotionally hurt? Why do knots form and everything feels... different? Why is love the root of it all? How does heartache work? I've had plenty, and I still can't figure it out. Life is so full of hurt. How is it that the physical is often much less painful than the mental? Why do I lay in bed or on the floor with my music blasting through my headphones just to block out some things? Why does it work and I become peaceful with the flow of music until it stops? Why must we hide from the world to feel good in our hearts? The scars are too much. The blood seeping from the new battle wounds into my lungs. Making breathing all too hard until impossible all together. Why must love come from the most inconvenient and unconventional places? It's almost as though fate intends to screw with our minds and hearts. It's as though, from the moment we begin to talk to the moment our words seize, fate is laughing with cruelty at the love to come for us. Love is seen as the villain for fate. The villain and the saving grace for all of us. The thing that must help us survive and the thing that will ultimately kill us all without mercy. And we hold on until the bitter end because we can't do any better. We are trapped here in love by our own hearts. 

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Falling prey to love... There are no words. I have none. They have been stolen from me... 

QUOTE:

"LOVE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING TO HAVE, HARDEST THING TO EARN, AND MOST PAINFUL THING TO LOSE."

Until next time,

A.K.

Who You: Kill Me

Kill me. Shoot me. The bullet would taste better than the absence of you. Kill me. Please. I'm begging you. Drag a Katana blade across my stomach like the Japanese warriors do. I'd like to feel imagination for the last time before I die like my soul. Kill me. Hang me. The rope would feel better choking me than the tears did. Kill me. Snap me. The sounds of my bones cracking before paralyzing me and bringing forth darkness would sound better than any words you could say. The sound would be sickening but so is the thought of you. Kill me. Shoot me. I would watch in slow motion as the bullet traveled to me. The distance would feel as far as we once were. Before the planes. Before the hugs and words. The memories I once fascinated over. The ones that now damage me and drive me mad. Kill me. Slay me. Use the weight of your body to drive in the sword. I will even help out if you want. I will grab the hilt and push the tip swiftly into my torso. Kill me. Hang me. The rope burn will feel better than the wringing of my hands as I waited for your response on my phone. It will feel better, safer, firmer around my neck than I have ever felt in my life. Kill me. Snap me. My mind is screaming. Pull me out. I need you. and I cannot take this blade away from my skin. Blood has yet to spill. So do it. Kill me. Snap me out of it. Save me and draw me into your arms. 

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It is no lie that I have been wanted to run away for some time now. It is no lie that I have been having bad thoughts and wishes now and again. It is no lie that I long for things I can never have. But it would be a lie to say that I have never loved these feelings. I love them as often as I hate them. It sort of makes me who I am. Nothing cliche or anything... But truly. I am who I am because of the shitty stuff I do. Because of the imperfect, screwed up, scary, crazy, and creative things I do. I do everything because of my thoughts and wishes and I don't think anyone should judge me for that. I am nevertheless but I shouldn't be. I'm human just like everyone else. I do dumb things and I do things that some people can't even dream of. But that's just who I am. Everyone has a choice. Sometimes they bring us to our knees. Sometimes it brings us to a pedestal. To be honest, I'd rather be standing on my feet in the crowd. Just trying to get by. Society has a tough time remembering that we are all the same species. We are all human. We are all individual minds. We can do whatever the fuck we want. Who gives a crap if we do something the world doesn't approve of? Who cares if you want something or enjoy something that no one else seems to like? It makes you happy doesn't it? So keep on keeping on. You do you. Be happy. Make your own damn choices dear. Don't you dare let society choose for you. Because news flash: SOCIETY MAKES SHIT DECISIONS AND SHOULD IN NO WAY BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE. 

QUOTE:

"IT IS A RISK TO LOVE. WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT? AH, BUT WHAT IF IT DOES?"

Until next time,
A.K. 

Ledge: Love is...

Love is... Well it's hard to explain really. It comes in different forms and is brought on by different experiences. Different feelings and different words. Faces and names and moments cross minds when love is mentioned. There should never be shame with this word. No one should ever have shame attached to love. Ever. Love hurts but is it really the love that hurts so bad? Love feels... Beautiful... It feels... Imperfect and perfect simultaneously. The imperfections of it all make it so seamlessly perfect. With every puzzle piece, every memory, every experience comes a new thing to love. Falling is such a horrid term for love, they say. But is it really? Isn't it perfect? You start out on the edge of a cliff. Looking at the ocean below, but it's only a glance compared to the stares you give the colors in the sky. All anyone has to do is push you. Even just a little. Some may stand closer or further away from the ledge, depending on past experiences. But the push will be there all the same. And all of a sudden, you're racing through air towards the ocean below. It feels terrifying and exhilarating. You want it to end, but you never want the feelings to go away. The wind feels nice. But before you even know it, you are completely embraced by the sea. Swallowed by the depths of the water. Now isn't that exactly what love does? It's the impact of the fall that hurts the most, but only at the moment. It's when you have to drag yourself away from the ocean and climb back up to the cliff or go home that causes the most injury. You will always have those memories. Every single one. So what will you do with them? How will love affect you? Will you want to fall again? Or will you be the one that pushes someone else before jumping in after them? 

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Love. The impossible riddle. The beautiful mystery. The painful addiction. I don't believe we ever get over our loves, but who knows. Maybe I've just been unlucky so far. So anyway. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. Drink water and eat food. Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself. You deserve it. I love you all. 

QUOTE:

"JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO, DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING THEY HAVE."

Until next time,

A.K.  

Love Letter: For Her

I know you will never see this, and I know I can never tell you this even exists. This letter will hardly cross the eyes of anyone of concern, nor will these words ever reach your eyes. However, I write them for you. I see you in everything now. Every action. Every thought. Everything. You are always there. I know I will always have you now, even if we stop talking every day and night. I know what we have is difficult to describe for me, even if it is not for you. I know I am just a good friend to you. A Maknae. Your little China. Maybe I remind you of a sister you never had. But to me, you are the love I could never give myself. You taught me to see the simple joys in things again. You taught me, with difficulty, to love myself. To treat myself as a best friend. I am still learning from you, and I believe I always will be. You are wise and childish and loving and caring and kind and funny and human and something different all together. You, my sweet Presh, will always be the love that was meant to be and the love that never could be. You will forever be my memory and my best friend. You will always be there, and I hope that you know it is the same for me. I will always rush to your aid. Even though you live across the globe from me, I will always be there. I love you, my sweet Presh. And I always will. 

Yours Truly, 

Little China

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Clearly, this was difficult for me to write here. Or maybe not so clearly. I am still trying to debate myself out of this. I am not gay or anything. But this is how I feel. I am shaking for fear that someone might see this and confront me somehow. I am afraid that someone will get the wrong impression of me or of what I believe. I would hate that. And as any blogger, I am terrified that someone important to me will see this, including my sweet Presh. I don't know why I am so afraid because there must be no way that she would find this page. It's too small. Too insignificant. But she did find another thing of mine like this. It's how we met. But maybe I'll get lucky and she'll never find it. Or maybe I'm being too pessimistic about this. Maybe she'll find it and it'll be a good thing. But I can't see how. We are both like rulers in our interests and in any case, it will probably only cause pain. We live on complete opposite sides of the globe and even then, it would probably make things awkward. I don't want that. I could probably talk to her forever and talk about her the rest of the time. But I don't want to do that because I would freak people out and I would lose friends, even with the few I have, and I just don't need that at this point. But anyway, this little extra part of the entry is probably depressing the letter and it's just postponing the actual posting part of this process. So let me find a quote and get on this... 

QUOTE:

"SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE APART FROM PEOPLE YOU LOVE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU LOVE THEM ANY LESS. SOMETIMES, IT EVEN MAKES YOU LOVE THEM MORE."

Until next time, 

A.K. 

Importance: What is it?

What is importance and who decides who or what fit that definition? Is there a scale for this sort of thing, or do we just know when something is more important than something else? Recently faced with this issue and confusion is not light. Thoughts have become riddled by the questions of importance. How can you decide if anime, that could very well save your life, is more or less important than the school work that will create your life in the future? How can you decide if KPOP, that makes you happier by a large margin and keeps you safe from harm, is more important than a "priority" that is a possible necessity in life? How can you choose? Why are we forced to create these decisions each day? Why do we choose them on impulse? Why are we ridiculed for our choices? Who decides that is right and wrong? Who was given that power, and why the hell were we not consulted? When did Atlas tilt the world and create so many crooked thinkers? And why were these people given the most authority over the rest of us? If this is the way life works, why can't the sane ones retract their contract peacefully? Because if this is the way life rolls, I would like to get off at the next train stop.

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I've been talking with Presh a lot lately, and so thoughts of importance haven't been as prominent as when I wrote this. However, other thoughts have been. They haven't been great thoughts mostly, but it's not because of Presh. I have actually been happier most often because of her. It's nice. To have something to think about when I have nothing to do. To have someone to go back to when I feel just terrible. Someone I can talk to. I appreciate her for being there and for helping me wholeheartedly when I need it. She's sweet and so so caring towards me and others. I like helping her when she needs it because she's so caring and so compassionate towards everyone. 

So I hope everyone can find someone like her. At least once in their lives. I also hope everyone is taking care of themselves. Drinking plenty of water and eating properly and sleeping well. If not, just try. You are important. :]

QUOTE:

"IF YOU'RE IMPORTANT THEY'LL MAKE A WAY. IF YOUR NOT THEY'LL MAKE AN EXCUSE."

Until next time,

A.K.  

Connected: Feeling of Universe

It's now been about two weeks again since I posted and I honestly have no excuse. I do have two entries lined up because I've been thinking a lot in the past weeks. Things have been stressful and I just haven't been being my normal self lately. I've been a lot happier because of Presh and the kpop I've gotten into, but it's still been very stressful for me in the past couple weeks. 

So, seeing that I might not post regularly, I might start just posting when I feel like it. When I get inspiration or when something happens. Or maybe even just when it feels right. I might not post two days in a row, but it is always possible. 

So with that, let me get started with the first blog of this session. Listening to Roya by Fariborz Lachini and Finn McCool by Michele McLaughlin also helps to put me in the blog mood (I'm listening to them now and I am honestly so freaking calm).

Anyway. Let's begin with something I wrote recently for my blog. I was feeling very connected to the world and time and air at that point. So I guess this sort of just came from that feeling. A feeling of universe I guess I would call it. Yea. That's definitely what I would call it. 

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It's nice to just sit and listen, isn't it? To sit and watch the world. To sit and take in whatever music is blasting through your headphones. For all you know, the volume of that music could make you deaf. But what do you care? The rest of the world doesn't matter in that moment. So why would you think about listening to them? For all you care, you could live the rest of your life in that moment. Just sitting with the deafening music, may it be KPOP or screamo or classic or alternative. All that matters is that moment. No one is bothering you. No one is trying to talk to you. No one is trying to interrupt your peace. No one is trying to reach you. The only person you need to focus on is yourself and the person singing to you. Whether it be through the melody or the words. That artist is singing to you. And you only. So who cares if you go deaf? Who cares what's going on in the world? You have this moment. And you would live your life for it if you could. It must be nice to live in those moments so will you seize those moments? I do. 

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QUOTE:

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science."

Until next time, 

A.K.