One thought. My heart speeds up. I hug my teddy bear and a smile crosses my face. I smell the top of the bear's head. Memories and scenarios rush to my mind. The memories do not belong to you but the scenarios do. I love them, and I cannot erase them from my mind. My heart races at even the slightest thought of you. How is it that a friendship could turn into such a beautiful, passionate, and soft love? How is it that I would do anything to see you, hear you, touch you? How is it that I long to see your smile and your beautiful face more than anything? How is it that I long to hear you talk, hear you laugh, hear you walk down the hall or across the room? How is it that I long to hug you and feel the vibrations of your body as you talk and laugh? How is it that I went from the depressed, lonely, and slightly suicidal/self-harm child to the depressed, loving, and happier self-harm child because of you? How did you raise me so far from the ground? Why have you chosen me to heal? How did you succeed so fully and perfectly? You introduced me to so much and gave me so much. It's hard to rise up to that and help you as much in return. I know you don't realize just how much you have helped me and you never will but it's okay. I will strive to help you as much as you have me. I think of words to speak as my heart races with the thoughts of you. Teddy bear safe in my arms where you should be.
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School starts up again in about two days for me and I feel sick from stress and sadness and depression and being overwhelmed. I'm not ready to go back. I just healed myself (with the obvious help of Presh and another friend we will name Hex and another friend I call Princess). Now that I mention it, I will explain a little about these latest friends. More about Hex will come later in another blog because there is so so much I need to talk about when coming to him. But Princess I can basically sum up in this little area.
So Hex. He is... different. A good different. He gave me a new perspective on things before he.. um.. Nevermind. That will come with the next blog I give. It will be mainly about him. Seeing as I am tearing myself up on the inside over it. But anyway. He gave me a new perspective on some things and helped my stress go away. He talked to me all the time and told me things and I trusted him. I could tell him things and I even sent him one of my most treasured documents because I thought it would help him understand what it is that I do. I know it was probably foolish, but now he has something of mine. I know that eventually I will stop feeling pain over Hex, but for now, I have to shield myself from anything of his or I begin uncontrollably crying. It is taking everything in me now to not cry onto my keyboard.
Anyway... Princess. I met her the same place I met Presh. She is an angel and as sweet to me as Presh. She has the same kind of insecurities and joys as I do. We both know Presh and both have similar connections to her. In a way. But anyway. I met Princess a little less than a month ago, same as Hex. But I haven't talked to Princess as much. We help each other out sometimes and comfort each other online. It's really nice to know that she's there. Gives me some sense of security, to a certain point.
Presh, Princess, and Hex have made my summer better. One other person that I will say I know irl that made my summer better: Korea. Her name isn't actually Korea, but to me, it is. I've called her Korea for so long that it's basically her actual name to me. Korea has been there for me irl and online for over a year now and it means a lot to me. She has helped me a lot and for that, I must say I owe her my life. So anyway. On to the quote.
QUOTE:
"A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO CAN SEE THE TRUTH AND PAIN IN YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARE FOOLING EVERYONE ELSE."
Until next time,
A.K.
